MLAG: Issue #7: Paranormal Teen Fiction or How I Learned to Stop Fearing The Sun and SPARKLE!

Issue #7: Paranormal Teen Fiction or How I Learned to Stop Fearing The Sun and SPARKLE!

by Ryan MacDonald

For all intents and purposes I’m spending the remainder of this blog treating the states of being a vampire and werewolf as actually possible.  If for any reason you do actually believe these conditions to be possible, seek professional aide.


Will somebody tell me what all the fascination with banging monsters is?  And another thing, who gave anyone the right to rewrite the core facts about vampires and werewolves?  These creatures were not created to fawn over and become entranced by.  Vampires don’t sparkle.  They burn and, in some cases, explode.  There’s nothing terrifying about sparkling.  I can’t be the only person who thinks it’s absolutely retarded that this characterless female lead wants to become a vampire.  Has she considered the ramifications of a decision like that, do you think?

First and foremost, unending, bitter cold.  Let it be stated and known henceforth that vampires are among those which are classified as undead.  Not unlike the zombies, there is no blood flow on the insides of a vampire.  Thus your life is carried on in bitter, unforgiving cold because your body lacks the resources to heat internally.   Secondly, you’re not going to gain super strength or super speed.  You’re going to be able to turn into a bat.  And chances are, if you’re a teenage girl you hate even the thought of a bat, let alone becoming one.  Third, if you ever met a vampire in real life, it’s not going to be during a tantrum as you run away from home into the woods.  It’s at night, in a dark place, maybe the woods.  You won’t see him, you won’t know he’s following you, unless he wants you to know.  Before you even know what’s happening, you’ll feel a cold touch, a bite, and you’ll be drained of blood and left there dead, to be found by search parties days later. On a side note; if you hate the new town you’ve moved to so much, why’d you go and screw up your good thing in Florida to begin with?  Stop being a brat.

The fact is this; Vampires don’t want to love you.  They don’t even want to know you.  To them, you’re food, and that’s it.  They’ve tried to love before, long ago, and they died.  Sure they could “save” those they love and introduce them to a life of vampirism, but if you loved someone would you want that for them?  No pulse, no warmth, unending hunger, a life of hiding in the dark and night?  That’s not a life for anyone to live.  That’s not living.

Finally, onto the other bastardized beast in pop culture.  The werewolf.  Too many mediums make light of the condition of being a werewolf.  Making it seem as though the condition is one of choice and can be turned on and off at any time.  The entire idea of a werewolf is one of absolute tragedy.  It’s not only innocents who are afraid of the creature, but also the man who becomes it.  Try to imagine for a minute your entire bone structure changing.  Your skull sprouting a snout, your ribs all becoming massive, your spine elongates and curves, and you begin to sprout a tail.  Your hands triple in size and your fingers not only grow, but grow claws.  The same for your feet.  Try to imagine about a fraction of the amount of absolute unspeakable pain that is and tell me you want to become that.  Try to tell me you’d feel safe and comfortable enough to sleep with someone who becomes that.  They let their guard down during the heat of the moment and you’ve got three new nice and bloody claw marks across your back, and a brand new condition to write home about every full moon.


I don’t know if it’s that the youth doesn’t care about classic literature, or what exactly but the fact of the matter is these paranormal teen fiction writers are destroying classic monsters.  Right now it’s limited to vampires and werewolves, though I’m honestly waiting for the day where Frankenstein’s Monster is written as a quiet intellectual introvert.  Or a love triangle featuring a faceless, characterless teenage girl and a teen boy version of Jeckyll and Hyde!

This is going to go mostly unheard, I’m sure, but.

Kids, stop reading this drivel.  You want literature featuring monsters?  Read Bram Stroker’s Dracula.  Read Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein.  Read Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde, The Invisible Man…any of them!  Read for God’s sake!  READ!!!!





For more views, reviews, and opinions from the geek realms, check out Ryan’s blog over at, follow him on twitter @mynameisg33k, and don’t forget to join the Spread the Nerd effort on Facebook


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6 thoughts on “MLAG: Issue #7: Paranormal Teen Fiction or How I Learned to Stop Fearing The Sun and SPARKLE!

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